Funky Fresh and Not the Best

I am quite tired. I hate it when I can't fall asleep and end up getting only 4 hours in for no good reason. Blah. I guess school is okay, but now the comm. design professors are trying to scare us all for the midpoint review. Because they only pick the best, and I'm going to be honest and say where I have always seen myself as maybe not THE best, but pretty high up there, and now I just don't know. There are a lot of good designers in my class (not to mention the other 60 students), and I can't say with certainty that I'll make through. I am proud of the fact that I haven't missed or been tardy to a single class, and that if it comes down to picking between people who are pretty much equal in ability the person with the better work ethic will come up top.

I guess I'm having some self-doubt, okay, I KNOW I'm having some self-doubt. If I don't make it through, I could try again, but I hope it doesn't come to that. Also, I can just see my siblings thinking I'm even more of "screw up" if I happened to not pass the review. Not that they're the standard that I want to base myself on, it would just be damn annoying. They would see the B on my project as "average" and not as good and not as this being a damn hard class to get an "A" in. You can't just study the stuff, figure out some equations and get things right. You have to be new, exciting, FRESH. I'm afraid I won't be able to think out my solutions without direction, I'm great at following direction, but I'm hesitant to show something "out there."

I can't be timid, or hesitant. I need to take a little more risk, or a lot more, just a big ol' game o' risk. I think I have false focus, I don't know, I need to be sure I'm putting more than just "time" into my work. I've never liked doing things that are hard, I've always been pretty lucky for school work to come pretty easy for me, but that means I've never had to really "work" for what I want. Hmm....I wonder if that's why I stopped swimming, maybe it got too hard especially when I realized I would never be the BEST.

Alright, my GOAL is to kick my ass into gear, stop breezing by, I need to motivate myself so that I'm not just good, but great. Easier said than done, but while I don't LIKE to do things that are hard, I have done so before, so I know I can, I just have to want it bad enough.

Or maybe I'll just become a motivational speaker....."I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit....People like me."