Rule #1 WHEN YOU ORDER A PIZZA MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ENOUGH DAMN MONEY TO PAY FOR IT AND DON'T LEAVE YOUR DELIVERY DRIVER WAITING WHILE YOU GO AND CALL SOME FRIEND OF YOURS TO SPOT YOU A DAMN TWENTY.
Rule #2 Please, oh god, PLEASE don't try to pay with a HUNDRED dollar bill unless your order is somewhat near a hundred dollars or you want to give a fantastic tip. Why would you expect the pizza girl to have change for THAT MUCH money. I'm not going to carry around more than twenty bucks and the money I just got for an order, I want to be as little of a target as possible.
Rule #3 If you have vicious dog chained to the front porch (especially PIT BULLS!) bring him inside if you want your damn pizza, or freakin' buffalo wings whatever. My job is to deliver pizzas NOT to be your dog's new favorite chew toy.
Rule #4 No stupid people allowed....I mean, wait yeah, that's exactly what I mean. NO STUPID PEOPLE ALLOWED!
Rule #5 Common Courtesy. That's the name of the game folks, if you have sprinklers, turn them off. If your house number is hard to see (especially at night) turn on your porch light, or better yet wait outside if you know your house is kind of hard to spot...or you live in a creepy neighborhood. And please read the above rules and drill them into your memory forever and ever.
Rule #6 Safety is quite important to me, I try to make sure I know EXACTLY where I'm going, I never leave with more than twenty dollars in change, I light my way with my headlights, and if things get too creepy and/or annoying I'll call the client's ass and if he/she doesn't answer I'm leaving and I might not return. I have no shame in running away.
(Yes, the top three situations occurred last night and Rule #4 and #5 is always broken by somebody)
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