Strong Words

Well well, long time no post. Mainly because dial-up is such a big pain in the ass. I suppose I've had an okay break so far, well until my sister freaked out about talking on the phone with "someone" she doesn't like and my brother said the most offensive thing I've ever heard in my life. I'm really kind of depressed right now, and I've grown weary of delving myself into video games to take my mind off things. Correction, I'm more that "kind of" depressed, and I'd really like to back to school right now. It is better now with all of my siblings gone, and I'm having a more relaxing time of everything I guess. That is until I start thinking about all the crap my sister said to me and I don't think I'll ever get over my brother's rude comment. That just pisses me off to no end, and I have no fucking clue what to do about it. I can't even really talk to the one person that all this crap is about. I don't want to push him any further away from my family (though I doubt that's possible now) with all their "weird ticks". The only thing that really keeps me from going insane is my parents support. If it weren't for them right now, I don't really know what I'd do.

Needless to say I'm more than a little emotionally drained, and the project I've been working on doesn't really take my mind off of things. For Christmas I decided to make my parents a book with pictures of the immediate family, mostly of us kids as kids. I looked through some old pictures that weren't in any of the albums and picked out ones I thought would work and made black and white copies of them and have been sewing them onto pages. This involves planning out the front and back of each page so they can be sewn together nicely and I only have two pages left to do. I've actually been procrastinating on it for a while, after my sibs got here I didn't work on it and since they've left I haven't really wanted to work on it. I also wanted to write something about everyone in the book, but at the moment I don't think I can say anything very nice. I might be able to start out nice, but then I end up thinking of some backhand comment and other snide remarks.

So my problem is that I have a hard time talking about my problems out loud, so what do I do? I write out my comments on my "passionate" siblings on a public blog so that any passer by can read it. Oh well. I'm really quite beyond caring at this point, but I'm still very sad. Very sad. I don't even know if I should post this, it'll take forever on dial-up anyways, and it's not like any of my siblings who I'd really like to see this even read my blog. They all forgot about this immediately after I told them. They don't care how I feel, just about how they feel, and what's "right" and "normal". Fuck that. I don't give a damn. That's a lie, if I really didn't give a damn this wouldn't bother me so much. I might get hurt by him, I don't know about that, but ya'll are doing a damn fine job of it yourself. People get hurt, boo-frickedy-hoo, I've taken a chance, a risk. Maybe throwing some caution to the wind is what keeps life interesting. And maybe people can just let me make my damn decisions and stop trying to tell me what to do.

Anyways, the people I'm really writing this to won't read it I'm sure, and that's probably a good thing. I don't know. I used to have a bad temper when I was little, and I've mellowed out greatly, and it takes a lot to piss me off, but if anyone could do it, it would be my sibs. If you know my sibs don't go sending this to them, that's my job, and if they happen to care to know about me enough to happen to read this, then maybe they're ready to listen to my side. I hate being alone.